The Junk Food of Writing

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Stream of Consciousness reactions to the BFCA's.

First off, I refuse to call it the “critic’s choice awards.” Hell, even Joel Siegel was there – therefore, it was definitely not the Critic’s Choice awards. From here on, it shall be referred to only as the “BFCA’s,” because the acronym may lead people to misconstrue what the initials really stand for (as if the awards don’t enough). Perhaps “Be First Contemptible Award-show”? Yeah, that sounds about right.

0:04- Dennis Miller, after initially being alternately uncomfortable and esoteric, resorts to a Star Wars nerd joke in the opening monologue. Lame (the lameness, however, does not end there).

0:09- Did Mr. Miller just mention AGAIN that the BFCA’s are the first movie awards show of the season? Aside from being terribly redundant, this exposes exactly what this whole vapid night is about. The BFCA is the ADD child who just wants the title of being the “first precursor.” Give this show some Ritalin and tell it to stop rushing everything.

0:12- Crash wins its first award for Ensemble. My disappointment is almost atoned by the huge laugh I got from seeing the voice-cracking Brendan Fraser on stage. I use “almost” because amid his pubertal speech, I realized that this means Sandra Bullock has won an award other than a Blockbuster or People’s Choice Award. Yikes.

0:13- Oh my, and now Fraser is going on about Crash’s “importance.” Holy fuck, please do not let this continue. According to him, this film makes the viewer a better person. Well, I hope Brendan Fraser feels good about his film about white man’s guilt.

0:23- Good, Dennis Miller just self-consciously noted how weak the scripted jokes are. Eric McCormack had been hiding this truth behind his silly grin for the past few years. Miller is still failing miserably, however, and he seems to be fully conscious of this.

0:26- Wow, Robert Patrick is just as stiff in real life as he is in any sort of medium. His stupidity rubs off on the usually bright Maria Bello, as she has difficultly reading. They present the “Best” Documentary to March of the Penguins and the camera cuts to three theme-park-costumed penguins. This insufferable cuteness must end. Penguins are now on my shit list.

0:32- Paul Haggis accepts Noah Baumbach’s screenplay award, and Haggis’ name is accidentally engraved on it also. Kill me now. Bobby Moresco, the co-writer of Crash, has difficulty speaking; well, that makes a lot of sense. Haggis admits, “When we finished the script, we didn’t think it was a script. And when we finished the movie, we didn’t think we had a movie.” Once again, this makes perfect sense.

0:39- The presenter (I don’t care to remember who) not-so-subtly mentions that “most best supporting actresses went on to the Oscar.” Shut the fuck up about the Oscars! Whoa, the winner is a tie – I don’t believe I have ever seen that before. Even more astonishing: the winners satisfy me.

0:42- After watching those clips for Crash (with its cringe-worthy opening monologue), my disgust has been revived.

0:51- Caché? Australian? Wrong country, buddy. Oh, and wrong continent too. I hope this presenter is aware that Austria is a different country. Kung-Fu Hustle triumphs. Boo.

0:56- John Leguizamo, you’re indoors, and you’re no Jack Nicholson. Take off the shades. He nearly redeems himself by pointing out how “cocky” this award show is after he is forced to brag about its ability to predict the Oscars.

1:02- Dennis Miller just made an entirely incongruous “joke” about porn in 2010. It’s inappropriate in more way than one. Primarily, it’s simply unfunny.

1:09- Into the West? People sat through that? Bob Dylan’s doc deserved this award, damnit. Is that Skeet Ulrich? Shouldn’t he be in rehab somewhere?

1:14- Al Green was just name-dropped. Cool.

1:21 -Mr. Miller, leave the real-life prostitutes alone, just pick on Marshall and Memoirs of a Geisha – the true whores (now, you couldn’t possibly have thought that I could cover this event without taking a shot at such a horrendous film of visual promiscuity).

1:28- I’m shocked that Virginia Madsen was invited back, since she didn’t pick up the golden guy despite winning the BFCA’s “award” last year. I thought they would be bitter about her loss at the Oscars because they thought she would win (Thomas Hayden Church was nowhere to be seen). Paul Giammati seems to have a lot of fans at this awards show. Pity kudos must make him feel all warm this year. It seems to – he’s all choked up.

1:33- Please, please let me forget that Dennis Miller made an allusion to Footloose. Quickly.

1:37- Wow, Philip Seymour Hoffman had a shitty seat – and quite a walk to the podium. Was that a fat joke?

1:40- Josh Lucas, if you think it’s better to be understated than showy, then stop pushing your chest out like that.

1:42- Oh, Reese takes a few shots at critics. “It’s nice of you to come out in the daylight like this.” I think some critic tried to scream something nasty at her. Too bad they didn’t have a microphone on him.

1:48- Whoa, look at Angela Bassett’s triceps. I wouldn’t want to get in a fight with her.

1:49- Is Ang Lee really modest or just plain awkward? The show takes the focus off of Ang Lee to spotlight that goofball Joel Seigel? There are some serious problems here -- I just can’t begin to comprehend them.

1:54- The Best Picture acceptance speech really makes me realize how much of a phenomenon Brokeback Mountain really is – it cannot lose Best Picture at the Academy awards.

1:59-The volume of Dennis Miller’s last joke was cut off. What a great way to end the night.

6 Comments:

  • Don't you think Brokeback is peaking too early? We still have two months to go until the big night.

    Best moment of the night? Amy Adams's speech.

    Worst? Everything else, especially Dennis Miller.

    By Blogger Ali, at 6:54 PM  

  • No way -- it's in the saddlebag.

    The Supporting Actress category was the only reason to watch the show. In fact, it is the only category I feel passionate about this year.

    By Blogger Nick M., at 12:00 AM  

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