The Junk Food of Writing

Friday, January 20, 2006

34 legitimate reasons for being vegetarian

Last week, my friend and I rather impulsively decided that we were going to be vegetarians. We came to this decision amid ordering our thai food. As we picked up our noodles (she got Pad Thai, I went with Pad See Ew) with broccoli and tofu, we began to list the motives for becoming a vegetarian. Below, you will see the list we devised over our deliciously meat-less meal, and which was promptly written on the nearest napkin. This sacred napkin is currently hanging on my kitchen wall, directly across from my refrigerator and adjacent to the "Smash the Nazis" flyer I received from a lovely old communist woman. Hmm, perhaps I'll elucidate on that a bit later. Nonetheless, here are the top reasons to stop slaughtered animals from appearing your plate. These are in order of importance, of course:

1. Sense of superiorty
2. Chicken has gross veins
3. Cows smell funny
4. Animals carry viruses and diseases
5. Chickens look weird
6. Pigs make good pets
7. Pigs make muddy food
8. A lot of celebrities are vegetarians
9. Tofu deserves to die and be eaten
10. Cuts down on cooking preparation time (no silly "defrosting")
11. Won't have to worry about keeping Kosher (No, I'm not Jewish, so what?)
12. Wouldn't be able to live without the delightful quack of a live duck
13. Lambs are hairy -- I don't want hair in my food (same goes for Bison/Buffalo)
14. I don't want Sherri Lewis to roll in her grave
15. Deer are for mounting on your wall, not for eating
16. Squirrels scare me in general, let alone on my plate
17. Flipper was my best friend as a TV-obsessed youngster
18. "Gordy" and "Babe" were the best films of my childhood
19. Imitation crab tastes better anyway
20. The ability to be further delusion about what tastes good
21. Vegetables cannot talk; therefore, they are no fun
22. Vegetables make horrible pets
23. I DON'T wish I was an Oscar Meyer wiener
24. As much as I hate pidgeons, I still refuse to see them made into hot dogs
25. Green is prettier than pink and brown
26. Potatoes are the hip person's white meat
27. Pamela Anderson doesn't eat meat -- from animals, that is
28. Corporations fund the slaughter of South American guinea pigs
29. I can more easily get in on "feeble chic"
30. I will fit in more at Emerson College
31. For health reasons
32. Chicks love a vegetarian (See picture below)
33. Because M. Graham said so
34. Animal rights

I'm typing these out now because I am not sure how much longer I will go without eating meat. I have, however, gone a whole 6 days so far! Veggie power!


  • "These are in order of importance, of course".

    Oh my God this is too much! I especially loved the 34th reason! hahaha.

    By Blogger JavierAG, at 5:17 PM  

  • Ha! I was a vegetarian for about a month when I was in middle school.

    By Blogger Kathleen, at 11:30 PM  

  • Funny stuff! I like this list a lot - I might just show it to my family of carnivores (along with some established scientific facts) to persuade them. I swear to God, they eat meat about five days a week.

    I myself am sadly not vegetarian, but lately I've been avoiding red meat. Chicken and fish I don't think I could ever give up...

    Yesterday, I went to an all-vegetarian Chinese restaurant with my cousin and his friends. It was very refreshing, knowing I could eat as much as I wanted and not feel too guilty. I think I'll do it more often.

    By Blogger Ali, at 3:34 PM  

  • Established scientific facts? Pssh, who needs those when celebrities are involved?

    My friend's roommate is not very happy with our newfound vegetarianism. (7 days!) Her roommate is Lithuanian and, apparently, they use meat as their side order to their meal, which mostly consists of meat.

    My friend and I went to an all-vegetarian Chinese Restaurant (It has the best name -- The happy Buddha) just two days ago. Yumm -- soy chicken!

    By Blogger Nick M., at 3:44 PM  

  • That's pretty fucking lame.
    Expect a cow head in your bed.

    By Blogger Malloree, at 12:05 AM  

  • I remember when you used to eat boogers, and you can't lie, I saw you do it on numerous occasions. And then you ask me Littlpunk: are boogers veegtarian?

    I'm concerned, please come back to the real world that's filled with bloody read meat and you won't ask questions like that

    By Anonymous Blast From the Past, at 12:47 PM  

  • If all you're going to do is reveal my childhood secrets and preach to me about the glory of slaughtering animals, then I would appreciate it if you stayed in the past.

    By Blogger Nick M., at 12:58 PM  

  • Hi ##name##, the vegetarian diet is certainly unique but very healthy alsovegetarian I'm always looking for healthy foods to take me off of supplements and medication. Please pass on any healthy vegetarian diet informationvegetarian

    By Anonymous vegetarian, at 1:09 PM  

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